Kim Jong un has executed his Uncle Jang to prevent a repeat of last year's drunken antics. "He cannot now embarrass me again by inhaling helium, talking in a squeaky voice and "Moon Walking", he told our North Korean representative this morning.
"He really has been a pain in the bum since watching Peter Kay while on his caravan holiday in Southport", said Kim.
The media agency KCNA confirmed that the seemingly severe punishment called the death sentence had been handed down by a military tribunal on Thursday, after Jang, 67, "was discovered buying helium balloons." The sentence was carried out immediately.
Authorities announced Jang, a man long considered a bigger nutjob than his favourite nephew Kim, had been seen practicing Michael Jackson's famous Moonwalk and singing "Is this the way to Amarillo" while womanizing and generally behaving in a "dissolute and depraved manner" and uploading Youtube videos of himself on Monday.
Images then emerged that showed the leader's former mentor had then been retrospectively cut out of official videos and photographs.