Written by K.C. Bell
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Friday, 13 December 2013

image for Vladimir Putin Appoints Self Grand Marshal Of Gay Pride Parade In Moscow

Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced that he is not anti-gay (no way, says he) and to demonstrate his support of the LGBT community, (before the Winter Olympics are snatched away from Russia and sent to Norway or Canada) he will host and appoint himself the Grand Marshal of a gay pride parade in Moscow, marching right through Red Square and hopefully to continue all the way to the winter games.

Told he would require the appropriate outfit to demonstrate his sincerity, Mr. Putin decided on a white cowboy hat. "No Clint Eastwood black hat," and a rainbow-colored jockstrap, "So Alaska can see my ass from Moscow."

The only conflict with his fashion selection rested on whether he would wear cowboy boots or flip-flops. While cowboy boots were consistent with wearing the cowboy hat, flip-flops were viewed as a more "with it" or "let it be" approach of the LGBT community. After a great deal of debate, Putin decided on a beige mid-calf-boot decorated with sequins, rivets and squirrels.

There was still one issue that remained untoward and it had nothing to do with the rainbow-colored jockstrap or, 'Alaska can see my ass from Moscow'. Mr. Putin was reported to have balked at the suggestion of having his legs shaved.

He was said to have become even more vocal when an assistant suggested having them waxed instead, all the way up to the jockstrap, thus giving him a neater line. After more debate and weighing the possibility of the Olympics redirected to Norway or Canada, Mr. Putin agreed to the leg wax.

When someone suggested a blinking bow tie, Mr. Putin's eyelids were described to have lowered slowly to KGB level, "Joseph Stalin never wore a bow tie." And the aid withdrew the suggestion.

Yeah, like Joe Stalin ever went out in public wearing a Slap Shot jockstrap, cowboy hat and boots. Don't even mention the leg wax.

Just about now, if Mr. Putin happened to be reading this article, his eyelids are probably slowly lowering to KGB level.

The Olympics will remain in Russia without a blinking bow tie.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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