Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Relics, St Peter

Sunday, 24 November 2013

image for Distinctly canine look about 'St Peter's Bones'
Artist's impression

Rome - A bunch of Himalayan long-tailed mastiff bones, thought to hail from the 4th century AD (Anno Doggii), have drawn huge crowds at St Peter's Square in Vatican City after the Pope proclaimed them official remains of the Catlick Church's founder.

Discovered by the Nazis in 1940 during a spot of excavation under St. Peter's Basilica the ossified fragments were seized by Hitler's Pope Pius XII who immediately ordered the tail-bones' destruction.

The remainder then became a Holy Artefuct to be venerated on a par with the Turin Shroud and St Verruca's Veil (WTF? - 'Ed') in what Vatican sources have called a nice little earner.

This morning an Antiques Roadhshow-kinda casket was brought out by the Pope on his usual Sunday St. Peter's Square outing for a full-on rattle in front of TV cameras.

Crowds were then treated to some pontifical slobbering all over the bones box as well as authentic-looking laying on of hands stuff as Frankie-the-Argie gave his loyal fan club the full papal monty.

From tomorrow onwards the bones' veneration will set you back 10 euros a pop for genuine eyeball time in an ecclesiastical setting.

Expect a skeleton of St George's fire-breathing dragon to suddenly materialize under Westmonster Abbey some time next year in a Church of England game of one-upmanship that will put the damn Catlicks in their place again.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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