Written by Jessica Fishman
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Tuesday, 19 November 2013

image for Shocking Winner for Best Hipster Facial Hair Announced

At the annual Hipster Facial Hair Contest, thousands of hipsters came together to vote on the facial hair that does the best job of effortlessly making the unattractive be attractive. In the past, typical hipster celebrities, like Michael Cera with his barely-there creepy mustache, the too-important-to-care-but-tries-really-hard-to-be-sexy Jared Leto, and the tubby, funny Zach Galifianakis, have won the celebrity section of the hipster facial hair contest. However, this year's surprise winner of the golden comb for best hipster facial hair was an Israeli Rabbi.

The former Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi, Yona Metzger, who has been growing his beard since he was thirteen years old, was recognized by the Hipster Association for Best Facial Hair. The Association explained its decision by stating that it was time to recognize the origin of the hipster beard.

"Rabbi Metzger's beard represents the ideal beard of every hipster," stated the spokesperson for the Hipster Association for Best Facial Hair. "It is both scruffy and neat. Clearly dedicated to his facial hair for decades, Rabbi Metzger deserves the award."

When asked for a comment, Rabbi Metzger's agent stated that since the Rabbi is currently under arrest for accepting bribes, fraud, and money laundering, he will not be able to accept any gifts or prizes. However, a Hipster Association member, who asked not to be identified, stated that Rabbi Metzger's agent provided the Association an address in Israel to ship the golden comb and the money prize. In addition, the agent instructed the Hipster Association member to either mark it as used clothing without a price or to hide it in a Torah scroll.

The Association typically does not announce its contests to the public, because it is against Hipster policy to belong to an association, but the spokesperson felt that this historic win needed to be recognized by the entire public.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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