Bewigged, bothered and bewildered US Secretary of State John Kerry today let slip in an unguarded moment that there was evidence that Texan oilman and rancher the late JR Ewing had been involved in the 1963 assassination of President Jack Kennedy. In the fevered atmosphere of a White House press conference a baying press corps insisted that Mr. Kerry explain his comment.
"It's been common knowledge in Dallas for a long time that, after the death of Marilyn Monroe, the philandering Jack Kennedy had taken up a carnal relationship with Miss Ellie, the mother of JR and Bobby Ewing and long time wife of Jock. Jock Ewing was deeply in love with his trophy wife and was infatuated by her wit, style, grace, apple pies and permanently blank features which she somehow managed to cultivate long before the discovery of Botox. Of course, Jock reacted badly to the fling and had subsequently sworn to 'whip his goddam ass' if the President ever set foot in Dallas again. (Note to English readers: Mr. Ewing did not intend to chastise the President's donkey, but was threatening to give him a good thrashing, just like public school. Ed.)
"Well, JR was mortified by this affair, particularly as it was he who had revealed it to his pappy after he had caught his mommy and the President in a haystack at Southfork butt naked, with Miss Ellie riding the President's flagpole like a true cowgirl while singing the Star Bangled Banner. She really loved her country. Hot damn, I would have liked to see that. Anyway, as he felt a little bit responsible for disturbing the family equilibrium, JR made a vow to himself that he would see the President in hell before he would let him near his mom again.
"So when JR found out that JFK was coming to Dallas again on that fateful day in November 1963, he realised that it was his chance to gain revenge and to help install fellow good ol' boy LBJ as president. With the help of Jack Ruby, an old boyfriend of Miss Ellie from the days when she was a cheerleader with the Dallas Cowboys, he found a commie hitman, Lee Harvey Oswald, and the rest, as they say, is history."