Written by Colorado Joe
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Saturday, 16 November 2013

image for Embattled Toronto Mayor to go on one-way trip to Mars?
A possible direction in Mayor Ford's career?

TORONTO-Members of the Toronto City Council and the premier of the province of Ontario have made scandal-ridden Toronto mayor Rob Ford an offer they hope he will not be able to refuse-a chance to go on a one-way trip to the planet Mars, sources close to both the City Council and the premier's office have confirmed.

Ford would be among a group of twenty-four colonists, similar to the British colonists who settled in Virginia in 1587, and whose colony disappeared from the pages of history, who would begin training for spending their lives on the Red planet in 2015 and begin their one-way journeys in 2023. Among those who might be travelling with Ford might be Celine Dion, Justin Bieber, Susan Boyle, Lindsay Lohan, Hugh Grant or Miley Cyrus.

Plans call for the Martian residents to live together in a 200-square meter (2152 square foot) space-similar in size to an American suburban one-family home. They would have to suit up in order to venture outside. "That would be quite the reality show," noted a member of the Toronto City Council off the record. "Seeing Rob Ford, Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus or Celine Dion together-that would be more fun than watching Laverne & Shirley, The Odd Couple, I Dream of Jeannie and Laurel and Hardy movies combined!"

The one-way journey might be too late to save the reputations of the city of Toronto, the province of Ontario and the nation of Canada, noted a former ally of Ford, who is trying to get him to step down from his position as mayor. Ford has indicated that he does not intend to resign. The council has no power to remove Ford. Ford has been accused of using crack cocaine, cheating on his wife, attacking his aides and driving while intoxicated while on duty; his rants in the Toronto city council chambers have shocked millions around the world on CNN, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, Yahoo! and international news sources.

The trip to Mars is the brainchild of Mars One, which is currently seeking funding for the venture. Kathleen Wynne, the premier of Ontario, has suggested privatizing the Canadian side of Niagara Falls and having the operators charge visitors to the falls a fee in order to raise funds for Ford's trip. Also suggested is buying and then privatizing some of the tourist attractions such as Madame Tussaud's wax museum and Ripley's Believe It or Not®. Finally it has been suggested that Blackberry smartphones, which is currently having financial difficulties, be nationalized and sold to the highest bidder, perhaps Nokia, Apple or Android.

The funding was initially considered to be earmarked for the development of a nuclear-powered rocket booster which would get someone of Ford's enormous girth into Earth's orbit and then into trans-Martian deep space. However due to environmental concerns as well as costs, a member of the Ontario Legislative Assembly is suggesting that Ford appear on the reality TV show, The Biggest Loser and try to slim down to the weight of someone such as Richard Simmons or Ally McBeal. "Just as long as it's an edition of The Biggest Loser which is not broadcast in Canada," noted the member. "We've had it with seeing Rob Ford!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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