(TORONTO,ON) Admitted crack user and illicit drug purchaser, Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto, has been found illegally reproducing the Keys to the City and selling them on Ebay to fund his drug use.
In a tumultuous city council meeting which saw him wrestle a live alligator, vomit blood and breathe fire from his mouth, Council members lined up to fire questions at him about his Ebay account.
In response to questions, Ford replied that "...it's not like the keys will work anywhere, they are just ceremonial" and "people on Ebay, frankly, aren't that bright. Furthermore, it allows me to lower my wages thus saving the taxpayer money and keeps my drug taking funds separate from my official income - my private life separate from my public duties. It's all transparent and above board!"
"It was all my brother Doug's idea. As I tell everyone, he's the brains behind me and is, in fact. ten times smarter than anyone I've ever met."