SPITSBERGEN, Norway-A source close to St. Nicholas, also known as Santa Claus or Kris Kringle, reports that the patron saint of the Christmas season might be permanently relocating to a warmer, drier location in the next few years.
The source, who did not want to be named, but appeared to be one of the eight well-known reindeer plus the alternate with the shiny red nose, noted that due to concerns about global warming melting the ice cap around the North Pole, it would be necessary for St. Nicholas to move to terra firma.
Although several locations have been mentioned by St. Nicholas and his staff including some of the elves and lots of impersonators who visit shopping centers, community centers and elsewhere around the world, not to mention Mrs. Santa Claus, it appears the most likely location will be somewhere in the Australian Outback, noted one of the staff members who agreed to speak provided that the member's identity was not revealed.
"Nick has been the subject of many vicious demonstrations by Greenpeace, the human rights' organizations and other groups for his treatment of animals, and making his height-challenged employees work long hours during some of the darkest and coldest months of the year for decades," the staff members noted. "He plans to replace the reindeer with used Boeing, Airbus, Lockheed and Antonov jets. The elves are going to be laid off and replaced with robots. Santa's workshop will run on solar power-which has always been a problem during the fall and winter months up here. Of course, the outsourcing of gift-giving to wealthy parents who decide to storm the shopping centers in November and December will continue."
To go with the relocation to the outback of Australia, Nicholas plans to get rid of his heavy suit and dress up in an outfit that would be a hybrid of Indiana Jones, Crocodile Dundee and Jed Clampett-complete with a big flat hat and a whip. In order to do that, though Nicholas will have to drop a few pounds. The anonymous source said Nicholas might go on the television show The Biggest Loser and use his magic to drop the kilograms and win the money which he would need for his new workshop.
There might be more tie-ins for the Aussization of St. Nicholas, source said. One would be to have the Nicholas (er. Santa) impersonators be depicted with kangaroos or camels instead of reindeer. The classic movie Miracle on 34th Street would be remade as The Miracle on the Sydney Harbour Bridge, with Paul Hogan as Kris Kringle. Nicholas' sleigh would be replaced with a Humvee. The impersonators' elves would be replaced with koala bears or duck-billed platypus. Finally, the classic story "The Night Before Christmas will be re-written to end with the line, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a G'day mate!"