Written by CaptainSausage
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Monday, 28 October 2013

image for Crippled apes to benefit from EU funds
Apes: not as cute when they're disabled.

The EU has assigned 10 million Euros to build wheelchair ramps in the jungles of the Congo to allow disabled wild apes better access to their tree nests.

In the last few years, a number of disabled gorillas and chimps have been released into the wild, in the hope that they can live a more fulfilling life in their natural environment. One gorilla named Gary broke both feet taking part in a tap-dancing reality TV show for Belgian television. He was sent back to the Congo after an operation to replace both of his feet with wooden stumps. It is hoped that providing him with a disabled parking spot near the tree where he lives would help improve his quality of life.

Brussels is paying for the programme out of its equal access fund, which is intended to ensure that disabled people are able to get into EU offices as easily as anyone else. However, since the EU's offices are now fully disability-friendly, the funds are being sent into other projects where disabled access is urgently needed.

One chimp who will benefit most is Lucky, a NASA pilot who became paralysed from the neck down after crash landing the space shuttle. He can now only communicate with the outside world by moving his eyelids, but amazingly he has a vocabulary of 50 words, including "banana", "toilet" and "help". The EU fund will go towards building him a jungle-friendly wheelchair and providing a carer who can visit him once a week to wipe his arse.

However, not everyone is happy about the new arrangements. "Save the Gorillas", a radical animal rights group, have said that they want to assassinate Lucky because he does not live a natural life. He will therefore need to be provided with bodyguards upon beginning his new life in the jungle.

Eurosceptic MP Nigel Farage raged, "We should leave the EU immediately and stop wasting taxpayers money on those bloody useless monkeys." It is not clear whether or not he was talking about the disabled apes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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