Shocked citizens of "The Land of the Free and the Home of the Broke" woke up today to find that their entire government had absconded rather than face up to the global debt collectors that are expected to come knocking next Thursday. It seems that the recent governmental shutdown was merely a smokescreen to allow politicians time to lock up their houses and pack a small bag. Two administrative assistants, who had been reported missing since the beginning of the shutdown, were found bound and gagged in a janitor's closet on Capitol Hill. On their release they were able to tell the world of the plan that they had stumbled across some days ago.
It seems that the global economic crisis of 2008 was just big enough to cause the slumbering giants of government to wake up, wipe the dribble from their chins and realise that they could no longer keep rolling over their ever increasing loans with wonga.cn. Rather than immediately holding up their hands and admitting that the game was up, it was deemed prudent to allow the crisis run its course for a few years, just to really fuck up the rest of the world, thereby ensuring that no other country would be strong enough to make a takeover bid for the entire United States.
A top secret report by the CIA surmised that now was the best time for the US top brass to do a bunk. Everyone in the Middle East is busy killing each other. Russia's entire wealth has been spent on increasingly tacky merchandise from the bling bling malls of Dubai. Europe has squandered the fortunes of the last millennium on the bureaucracy of running Europe. China's population have been weakened by years of exposure to pollution. India is far too disorganised to pose a serious threat and Brazil is just full of really nice people.
We recommend that citizens of the world should start hoarding food, firewood and shiny beads that can be used as a crude form of currency once global economic Armageddon hits next week.