Bethlehem, The Holy Land---Hamas, the militant West Bank political sect that swept to power on unkeepable promises and unspeakable acts of unmitigated violence and hostility, has decided it can conduct business as usual without foreign help by printing maps, minting money and smuggling intelligence into and out of the Mediterranean and Dead Seas.
Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh has reportedly announced, "The West can keep their cheap money. We prefer to trade in rubies and diamonds. But gold speaks volumes and if we need a couple of bucks, we can always just print it. It is a very simple solution to our problems that has been applied since long before the days of Gutenberg. The more money, the sweeter the scent of success. The greater the success, the happier we will be! We will make up for lost business by printing maps showing where the true caliphs of the Holy Land live and how to find buried treasures. We will include the lost cause of Atlantis because we can offer to give it away and keep it anyway since no one wants a missing continent. After all: where could they put it?"
There are often reports of gunmen but the Prime Minister has tended to deny such reports.
Mr. Naiyeh has proclaimed, "All men are created equal and all women will be treated as queens, if not better: perfect together. Happiness will flow across the land like milk and honey."
There continue to be reports of gunmen. Shooting, too. The Prime Minister is reported to have fled only to return disguised as a diplomat. "I clearly am not what I seem to be," he is reported to have said. " But I can tell you that all government employees will work for the love of their jobs. For without jobs, no one can work and there will be no love."
More reports of armed men leaving the government building behind the Prime Minister firing kalashnikovs into the air have come to public attention. A dead pigeon allegedly dropped on Mr. Haniyeh's head. "A sign of peace," he shouted before fainting in front of the crowd.
Believe it or not, even more reports of masked gunmen firing more AK-47s into the ground surface leaving several large craters in front of where the Prime Minister has been trying to regain his composure.
"I can offer other options," he hasproclaimed. " If the Israelis part the Dead Sea and we can walk on water and join hands in perfect harmony. There will be peace in the land." (More gun fire.) "Hail Caesar."
Haniyeh this time goes into a swoon. "Oh, to be in Heaven on a Day of Peace," he has reportedly shouted.