Written by Auntie Matter
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Tuesday, 1 October 2013

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Not the Guy on the Mall.

There was a brief moment of what can only be described as pandemonium yesterday near the Lincoln Memorial at Washington's National Mall.

A man claiming to be Jesus of Nazareth was seen to walk barefoot across the Reflecting PooL scene of many a public gathering and protest on the Mall. The man was later arrested and is being questioned by police.

Apparently photos and videos shot of the event by some of the many visitors to the area failed to show anything at all. And nobody it seems can find an explanation. But the self-proclaimed Jesus was described as between five feet six inches and five feet eight, of slight build with long hair, but, disappointingly, no beard and no moustache.

Said Sergeant Paddy O'Connor who made the arrest: "He will be charged with disturbing the peace. The pool is part of the Mall which is revered by millions, so we really can't encourage this sort of thing. I don't know how he did it but he would certainly give David Copperfield a run for his money. If I were him I'd waste no time getting me a good manager."

When the Catholic Bishop of St. Malachy's Church was asked if this Jesus could be the real deal, he merely laughed; "It says in the bible that the Messiah will come like a bolt of lightning, so this stunt however impressive can hardly qualify. He'll have to do a bit better than that! Moreover, until we have notice that he is a baptised Catholic it is unlikely if we can help with his legal fees."

One irate parent said she may sue 'Jesus' for frightening her three year old daughter. An official statement from the White House was released later stating that "there was no cause for concern or alarm and that they had an explanation based on their intelligence reports but it would not be in the public's interest for them to offer it at this point in time."

Jesus was unavailable for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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