THE VATICAN (UPI)--Pope Benedict XVI gave Catholics another saint on Sunday, bestowing for the first time the supreme honor on a still-living, non-Catholic American President, President George Bush.
Speaking at the ceremony on the steps of St. Peter's Basilica, the Pontiff asserted, "Saint George W. is carrying out the good racist Christian fight again Islam, and he is also grabbing Islamic oil reserves from Iraq which properly belong to Western White countries, and to the Vatican too. He is also killing hundreds of thousands of Iraqis at the behest of Israel, causing civil war in Iraq, and generally grinding that country into dust so we can all continue to drive SUVS and live in Monster Homes."
The Israeli Cabinet representatives in attendance applauded the words warmly, and shouted for more western pogroms against Syria and Iran to further their interests.
"We register Saint George W. in the roll call of the saints and we establish that in all the Church he will be devotedly honored among the saints," Benedict said as he read the canonization ritual in Latin.
"Just as Israel continues to wage war in Lebanon and to steal Palestinian land," the Pontiff intoned, "So does Saint George W. continue to start gratuitous wars throughout the globe to increase corporate profits for fine Christian corporations and increase our oil reserves and our geopolitical imperial clout. Fascism and theft in the name of Christianity and Judaism is No Sin."
Also present at the ceremony were the chief executives of Halliburton, Exxon Mobil, Chevron Texaco and other American Republican corporations from the oil, armaments and auto industries.
The Pope patriotically saluted a display of Pentagon firepower, as a series of American war planes napalmed a stack of forbidden books on St. Peter's Square, including copies of Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, Darwin's Origin of Species, and various works by Copernicus and Galileo.
It was Benedict's first canonization ceremony in over a year.
He then blessed Saint George W. who was given a Crown of Thorns and then wrapped in the Holy Shroud of Turin. The Saint then healed the sick who were present and comforted the poor.
The Pope also initiated canonization proceedings for Henry Kissinger, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and other rich and famous Republicans.