Rome - "Uh, who threw up all over the towel, more likely," Monsignor Guido Gorgonzola, Keeper of the Papal Adult Diapers, commented at reports that Pope Joe Ratzinger is on a life support machine tonight.
A team of top gerontologists at Rome's Ospedale Machiavelli have placed his holiness on 24/7 intravenous communion wine and holy unguents to keep the 80-something Teutonic geezer ticking over quietly.
The drip is regularly topped up with a drop of the hard stuff brewed by the ex-Pope's housekeeper Sister Ingrid Stampa, a lay nun from the B'Ovarian Order of the Immaculate Deception and self-proclaimed karate black belt.
Mother Morticia, as she is generally known in the Catacombs, also appears to have a bit of a reputation as a role model for a character in the well-known Hollywood James Bond movie Tomorrow Never Dies.
According to QM-NewsCorpse sources the Swiss Guards once reckoned the nun was the original inspiration behind for a character in the James Bond movie Tomorrow Never Dies, the horrid Mr Stamper.
The film's PR blurb describes 'Stamper' as a henchman of a bent international media villain and protégé of a professional assassin and chakra torture specialist from Bavaria.
Expect Papa Ratzi to finally croak for this year's Halloween.