Written by Paxton Quigley
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Saturday, 14 September 2013

image for UN Inspectors' Report to Confirm Illicit Use of Wig by John Kerry
Photographs reveal Kerry's secret

A long-awaited UN report expected next week will "overwhelmingly" confirm that US Secretary of State John Kerry makes use of a wig, the secretary general Ban Ki-moon says.

Mr. Ban Ki-moon made no comment on who was to blame for the Washington envoy's style faux-pas, as that is not part of the report's remit, but he did say Mr. Kerry is guilty of "a horrendous attempt to hide the truth from the world's population" and that photographic evidence collected by the UN inspection team would reveal the previously hidden truth.

The US and Russian foreign ministers are continuing their talks on resolving their differences over Mr. Kerry's attempt to get the better of the balding President Vladimir Putin by his illicit use of a toupee but a spokeswoman for Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov said the talks with the Secretary of State in Geneva were "heading nowhere until he admits that he is as bald as a coot."

A White House spokesman would neither confirm nor deny the truth of the allegations.

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