Written by Max Field
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Sunday, 8 September 2013

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On the piss

Boss of Irish budget airline Cryinair, Mick O'Weary, was hiding from the Press last night after a routine Customs check on one of its planes returned shocking findings.

Occasionally we check the fuel on all commercial aircraft,' explained HMRC spokesman Brian O'Brien, 'but never before have we encountered a test result like this.'

The scandalous report, which we have had exclusive access to, shows that the Boeing 747 in question was actually running on only 11% kerosene and 89% passenger urine. Further inspection of the aircraft revealed that all the toilets on the plane were linked directly to the fuel tanks.

We managed to track down a Cryinair technician last night, who wishes to remain nameless, but did fill us in on the company's shenanigans:

'One of the lads took a leak in a plane's fuel tank for a laugh a couple of years ago at the Christmas party,' whispered the engineer, 'and we were all bricking it the next day when the jet left for Majorca. But it got there sweet as a nut. O'Weary got wind of it, and made us modify all the planes the next day, so the toilets emptied straight into the tanks. All we had to do was install a simple turd filter.'

A regular Cryinair passenger was foaming with anger last night as she spoke to us. 'It's outrageous,' gasped 64-year-old Norma Tinkler of Glossop. 'to think how many times I've paid £14.50 for a bottle of mineral water on their aircraft, only for them to, quite literally, take the piss out of me.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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