Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Pope, Vatican

Monday, 9 October 2006

image for Joy as Vatican tests nuke
One step closer to those Pearly Gates

Vatican City - (Associated Mess): Amid scenes of unprecedented celebration, the Pope held a public audience in St Peter's Square today following the Vatican's universally acclaimed successful test of a nuclear warhead deep under strategically sensitive tectonic plates bordering Iraq, Syria and the Red Sea.

The test was conducted according to instructions received in tablet form by the Pontifical Officce for Insults, Smears, Innuendos and Slander (ISIS).

The move has been described as being in accordance with Pope Ratzinger's own Pearly Gates policy of bringing heathen non-believers closer to their Maker .

It follows a few dud attempts in recent weeks at verbally converting non-Christian residents in the broadly Southern Mediterranean area featured so prominently in the Old Testament by smearing their historic spiritual leaders as war-mongering xenophobes in need of a speedy Baptism by Fire conversion to the True Faith.

The blast occured in the early hours of the morning registering 6.66 on the Ratzinger scale and may have involved as much as one hundred killer-tons of fissile materiel.

The World Tsunami Watch immediately released a statement noting that seismic shockwaves had been felt as far afield as the office of the Chief Prosecutor in charge of the forthcoming Rome corruption trial of former business associates of murdered 'God's Banker' Roberto Calvi, including former Italian Prime Monster Silvia Berlusconi and his British accomplice, David 'Dark Satanic' Mills - the estranged husband of UK Secretary of State for Vultures, Mediocrity and Sport Tessa Jowl.

However, not everybody involved in the ongoing Global Piss Process was as pleased as the inner circle of the Vatican.

In New York, the UN Security Council has convened an emergency meeting and issued a statement outlining its continuing postion:

"Despite fifty years of unprecedented pressure, the United Nations is still unwilling to accept the notion that the Vatican is a bona fide Sovereign State.

"We note that despite numerous discussions, financial backers bankrolling the Vatican still cannot unravel our unanimous contention that organised religion = organised crime.

"A censure vore will be taken this evening."

But those harsh words of warning did little to abate the full-flung Rapture taking place within the closet walls of the Vatican City tonight where further weapon tests may be already in the planning stages ahead of the Berlusconi/Mills corruption trial.

Pope Ratzinger is 83.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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