Written by Moe Nightwalker
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Thursday, 5 September 2013

image for Thomas The Tank Engine Derails Outside Of London, Texting Suspected

LONDON- Thomas the Tank Engine, a veteran of children's television and a worldwide celebrity, derailed a train of 30 cars yesterday in the countryside north of London. Police investigating the incident took Mr. Tank Engine's cellphone because of suspected texting. Excessive speeds above 5 mph are also a possibility.

There were several minor injuries, and Henrietta, normally Toby's coach, had severe wheel damage. Hector lost all his coal. Splatter was the only car to not be derailed. All of the cars had some cross words to say about the incident.

Thomas is not answering media questions but his lawyer, Markus the Esquire, provided the following statement: "My client is undergoing treatment for severe exhaustion and possible metal fatigue. We will make a personal statement after his full and speedy recovery."

The Tank Engine is rumored to have a gambling problem and may have started dealing in biofuels to pay for his addiction. His ex-girlfiend, Caroline the Car, told reporters, "He hates his job. They make him travel all the time and solve everyone's problems. It's stressful on him and caused our relationship to sputter. Even Percy doesn't want to be around him anymore."

Sir Topham Hatt, reached at his country estate, said, "I've known Thomas his whole life. I'm sure he will be found innocent of any wrongdoing. However, we're suspending animated trains with human-like faces on all tracks leaving town until this matter is resolved."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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