Corporal Moammar Bin Traash, SIGINT analyst for the Syrian Army and co-founder of the Damascus Chapter of LGBT Alliance and nephew of Tariq Al Tabouli, owner of Hassan's Hookah and Hashish Kasbah leaked the complete defensive outline of the Syrian Armed Forces in anticipation of an imminent US military strike.
Corporal Traash was seduced by Mossad during a chance meeting at Uncle Tariq's, with a promise of a complete gender reassignment, once the dust settles. The defector is currently in protective custody of the IDF at Morty's Delicatessen Suite 100 Dizengoff Center in Tel Aviv, +972 3-522-7154 (tell them I sent you for a free dozen onion bagels).
Col. Schlomo Garfinkel passed the plan to this reporter for three pickled tongues, two dozen blintzes, 600 kilos of schmaltz and my solemn pledge to publish the leaked material mentioning Morty's by name (one of my other well placed, high value sources revealed to me that Morty is the colonel's brother-in-law).
The inordinately intricate and detailed plan represents a stunningly clever and resourceful panoply of evasive actions to avoid a military bashing of "The Basher" by the US Joint Chiefs and the Obama Administration. A nexus of the Siegfried and Maginot lines coupled with a touch of Manhattan's famed Three Card Monte operators and a dash of John Gotti like panache, the Syrian High Command has devised a wide ranging strategy to thwart any type of attack launched by the United States. Rumors of an offensive biological and genetic weapon comprised of Bill O'Reilly clones has not been confirmed, but there are whispers of a retaliatory war plan. I have made a contingency deal with Hebrew National just in case Colonel Garfinkel "turns" another Syrian and I get access to that blueprint.
Syria's defensive posture is structured to safeguard its Army, Navy, Air Force and command-control apparatus while simultaneously injecting fear in the hearts of all Democrats with the thought of thousands of Bill O'Reillys being unleashed on the American populace. Reasoning that they have already used nerve agents more than once, General Ali Ali Oxen Bin Free noted, "What the hell - what's one more noxious agent certain to home-in on all Democrats like a GPS guided JDAM with biometric specificity!" Highlights of the defensive program are as follows:
- 1. Retain Julian Assange to hack US geostationary and keyhole satellites to beam loop of Miley Cyrus video of at last week's MTV Video Music Awards
- 2 Baath Party create a 527 advocacy organization (U.S. Internal Revenue Code (26 U.S.C. § 527)) to make a $3,000,000 campaign contribution to Mitch McConnell and lifetime gift certificate to John Boehner at Palm Beach Tanning Salons to repeat refrain of Bush's Iraqi WMD justification ad nauseum during US Congressional "debate" to begin on September 9th 2013
- 3. Repaint artillery and install minaret-like finials with regular telecasts of call to prayer from surplus Microsoft Zune MP3 players. The High Command was certain Microsoft had a warehouse somewhere with thousands of unsold Zunes that could be purchased on favorable terms
- 4. Paint a Star of David on white background on all MIGs and Trump Air on bombers and other aircraft. The Syrian Air Chief expressed certainty the US would not target Trump aircraft since none have left the ground in years anyway
- 5. Quarter all Syrian troops in Microtels and Motel 6s...Notation that quartermaster remember to tell them everyone is a member of AARP and ask for group discount as well
- 6. Hire and train Iranian or Taliban martyrs to command Jet Ski navy flotilla kamikaze style offshore in the Mediterranean
- 7. Employ barrage balloons bought on eBay made of plastic sex partners with mouths filled with Semtex dildos
- 8. SAMs and rocket launchers turned into cell towers or marked with UN Flags and Scuds painted crimson and Oscar Meyer painted on yellow background on each side
- 9. Convert all airport runways to NASCAR, NHRA and camel racing tracks and construct tri-level grandstands
- 10. Ships repainted red, white and blue with portholes on sides. Also, decks filled with nude Chechen women drinking from free open bar serving Ouzo and Vodka
- 11. Paint red crescents on roof of all military bases and erect visible housing for captive rebels and US citizens held under rendition agreement
- 12. Booby trap anatomically correct blow-up dolls dressed in high ranking officer uniforms and strategically display in small groups all over Damascus and Aleppo. There was an addenda specifying that the dolls must be rigged to explode to discourage theft by randy rebels
- 13. All soldiers required to turn in helmets and military caps for yarmulkes and prayer shawls
- 14. Erect 200 foot high metal net on western side of critical facilities like they have at golf driving ranges
- 15. Tanks painted yellow w/ black and white checkerboard stripe around middle w/ electric For Hire/Not for Hire electric signs on top, commanded by Nigerian and Ugandan drivers
- 16. Appropriate all Public Storage facilities for ammo and chemical weapon warheads
- 17. Republic of Texas flag raised at Assad's primary Palace and have 3-gold ball pawnbroker signs posted visibly about his other nine palaces
- 18. As PsyOps countermeasure, initiate electronic jamming of airwaves with high intensity transmissions of Ted Cruz, Michele Bachmann, Louis Gomert and Rush Limbaugh rants
- 19. Immediately cancel the "7-11" exemption for military service
- 20. Globally proclaim new immigration policy to immediately issue "Green Cards" to all foreign swimmers arriving on Syrian beaches provided they commit to one year of Syrian Army service
It would only follow that release of this Syrian defensive program convinced President Obama and the JCS to delay any hostilities until a careful analysis of the plan is conducted by the CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, the IRS, AT&T and Miley Cyrus' attorney.
THE WIRED STREET URINAL
REPORTER: KR Schwartz
DATELINE: August 31st 2013