MOSCOW - Edward Snowden, who has spent the last several months in Russia, is reportedly at the end of his tether.
Despite having been able to leave the transit area of Sheremetyevo International Airport, Snowden has been frustrated by his attempts to learn Cyrillic, the Russian alphabet.
Developed in the First Bulgarian Empire during the 10th century by the literary brothers duo Cyril and Methodius, Snowden has been trying to map out the sounds but has reached what he calls a low level of success.
"I mean my name, for example," said a flabbergasted Snowden, "It doesn't even look like real language. Backwards "E's", that zero with the line through it, that capital "A" thingy, an asterisk? What the fuck?
"Worse than that. The letter that do look like ours don't even sound like it. The "B" makes a "W" sound, the "P" sounds like an "R", and the real kicker: the "H" that makes the "N" sound. Asinine!"
Snowden said he made the mistake of beginning with his surname. "The fact that CHOY makes "Snow" is complete and utter shit."
Snowden grudgingly admitted, however, that if Cyril and Methodius would be in high demand by spy organizations for their code writing ability if they were alive today.