Written by joseph k winter
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Monday, 5 August 2013

image for Senator's office calls for "bully services aid" and therapy
The senator's office is reported calm and collected while waiting assistance

Reported by an assistant (requesting anonymity) for Senator Charles Schumer, his office is currently seeking "bully services aid" and therapy following Russia's actions with Mr. Snowden.

Speaking on Face the Nation yesterday, Mr. Schumer proclaimed that Russia's President Putin is "behaving like a schoolyard bully" and had succeeded in creating a "poisonous" atmosphere in US-Russia relations.

Due to the tensions surrounding this development, similar concerns to acquire "bully services aid" have also been expressed from the offices of Congressman Paul Ryan and General Dempsey, who also appeared on the news show.

Mr. Schumer also urged President Obama to move next month's G-20 summit somewhere else than St. Petersburg.

Apparently this bullying and poisoning in recent Russian-US relations stems from allowing Snowden a year's asylum in Russia. However, Russia has no extradition treaty with the US, and in the past the US has also refused extradition of persons wanted in Russia.

The "poisoning" derives from the actions of Edward Snowden in alerting the world to the extent of NSA surveillance. Snowden claims he acted dutifully as a whistle blower, in answer to a higher call of duty defending the US Constitution against behaviors that may be violations of the founding document.

The Senator's spokesperson insisted that the Schumer office, although uneasy, is not prostrate with anxiety and guilt-feelings surrounding the Snowden affair, including recent US actions with the plane of President Morales of Bolivia.

Denying airspace to the Bolivian President's plane, then searching it and delaying it in Austria, could not be considered "bullying," according to the spokesperson, but was instead an honorable effort to apprehend the criminally traitorous Snowden.

However, "criminal" and "traitor" are not terms deriving from any official investigation but inclined to be the expressions of indignant persons within the Senator's office.

It is precisely this sort of anxiety, indignation, and confusion that lie at the heart of the Senator's request for therapeutic aid in order to ease the burden of being an official spokesperson putting out important statements to the world on this controversial case.

Additionally, of course, the Senator's statements must not be considered as having anything to do with creating a "poisonous" atmosphere internationally.

Instead, these charges of "schoolyard bully" and "poisonous" are merely utterances of persons under psychological stress, in which the extent to which they are responsible for what they say as official US spokespersons is not clear and in fact dubious. There is always the possibility of "Sorry, I misspoke."

The anonymous source from the Senator's office also admitted that in due time--as with Secretary of State John Kerry's recent re-statement following his pronouncement that the Egyptian military is "restoring democracy"--all highly inflammatory statements can be "walked back."

This "walking back" follow-up procedure is not an apology but can be necessary due to the problem of "misspeaking" which occurs frequently in today's politics.

Not that Senator Schumer "misspoke," although that contingency is possible. There may be updates. The public must understand the stress of appearing on an MSM outlet to inform the public on how to react to various international developments that do not favor the US. Error, dubious taste, and downright stupidity are always possible.

The Senator's spokesperson hastened to explain further: "What's most important is creating the correct impression, which may miscarry to some extent."

So it is that the tension and wear and tear on government spokespersons in handling today's affairs in a volatile and tricky world is at the heart of the Schumer office's concern for expert and immediate therapeutic assistance.

A new bill to finance therapeutic aid for senators and representatives is currently being written with expectations for near unanimous approval from the Congress coming soon.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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