Written by CaptainSausage
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Saturday, 3 August 2013

image for Nepalese authorities tighten rules about climbing Everest
Twatt is also the first man to play Tiddlywinks at the top of Everest

From next year, it will become significantly harder to climb Mount Everest. The government in Nepal have become tired of mountaineers using the great peak for frivolous record attempts and being dangerously careless during their ascents.

After January 2014, a significant amount of paperwork will need to be filled in by anyone even approaching the world's highest peak. Government officials are also planning on introducing barbed wire fences, CCTV and armed robot guards to the area to enforce the new rules.

Mountaineer comedian Jimmy Twatt was outraged. He has climbed Everest seven times, and each time he has taken part in a wacky charity stunt to publicise his climb. Last year he became the first man to have a bath in baked beans at the peak. The year before he was the first man to climb the mountain using equipment made entirely of spam.

"It's terrible what they're doing," he moaned. "For the last seven years I've been raising money for Limping Awareness. It's a very important charity that raises awareness of the fact that millions of people worldwide have a limp. I can't believe that the Nepalese government actually named me in their official report as part of the problem."

Next year, Twatt was planning to become the first man to scale Everest on a pogo stick, but he has been warned that his application will almost certainly be refused.

A sherpa who was hired by Twatt said that he was happy about the new rules. He explained, "Every year we get attention-seeking comedians like Twatt, as well as drunken stag parties, or people who are trying to overcome their fear of heights. Basically the most inappropriate people are constantly trying to climb this huge mountain just so that they can get an ego boost and brag about it to their friends. And they always use charity as an excuse. What the hell is Limping Awareness anyway?"

Twatt now plans to become the first man to pole vault up Mount Kilimanjaro.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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