OUTER SPACE - Today Russia announced that they will be traveling to Saturn in a historic expedition to be the first to bring back something from Earth's distant cousin. Unfortunately, their motives are suspect.
Russian President Vladimir Putin's plans for this newest venture stem from his recent amusement at embarrassing President Obama and the West along with an unhealthy obsession for collecting rare or unique rings.
Pundits agree that stealing one of Saturn's rings is the most destructive way for Putin to accomplish these goals while still enjoying his fetish.
According to the State Department, in addition to the sporty Superbowl Ring Putin recently pilfered, Intelligence rumors have it that his collection also includes the famous FlooRing, a lackluster BoRing, the loud and garish RoaRing, the scarlet red HerRing, and the uninterested IgnoRing.
After successfully talking Obama into taking down America's missile shield in Europe and defunding NASA, "Putin's plan to fly into space to steal one of Saturn's rings is significantly more likely to succeed," said Vivana Blastov, a senior member of Russia's space exploration program.
VP Biden, angered by Russia's refusal to "bow down" to Obama, voiced his reaction at an occupation rally in Toy Story, New Jersey. He stated, "I will pursue Putin - to Infinity and Beyond!"
NSA analysts have stated that Putin's plans for stealing Saturn's rings will have "serious consequences" on the solar system, not to mention Washington.
In a similar statement last week, "There will be serious consequences if Putin goes through with this," Obama said. "He is a threat to all 4 planets in our solar system."
However, in a White House press release sent out yesterday, Obama walked back his earlier position and now says that Saturn has more than one ring and it should be willing to share what it has with others anyway.
"Putin is just too insignificant to bother with."