Written by janet eve josselyn
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Topics: Terrorism

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

According to The Jihadist Daily, recent recruitment of suicide bombers has declined sharply following the revelation by Tamir Abd ul-Karim that there are fewer than 72 virgins awaiting the martyr in Paradise. "It's more like three and they're old and unattractive," Karim stated when he woke up in the hospital following the explosion of his homemade bomb.

According to his doctors, Karim was lucky that he made the mistake of building his IED in a KitchenAid 18/10 stainless steel 2 gallon soup pot instead of a pressure cooker because the blast only temporarily stopped his heart, thus allowing him to approach the gates of Paradise and get a peek at the alleged virgins. Speedy resuscitation revived Karim so he was unable to gather any further intel about other promises that he read about on the recruitment website.

Disillusioned with the ladies as well as the surroundings, Karim reported that Paradise resembled East Cleveland and no one looked happy, especially the virgins. One virgin carried a baby on her hip and held the hand of a child who called her Momma, when he wasn't crying. Another walked with a cane and the third was obese. "You can be old or fat and still be a virgin," Karim explained, "but no way was that woman with the kids a virgin. I'm no idiot."

"I was supposed to get 72 virgins as wives in Paradise and they cheated me. Real men don't lie about virgins. That's just wrong," Karim complained to the nurses at the hospital. "And now that I think about it, isn't one wife bad enough? Who in their right mind would want 72 wives nagging them to get out of the kitchen and go build the bombs in the garage, blah, blah, blah?"

Asked if he was reconsidering his participation in the holy war against the infidels as a result of his recent experiences, Karim said that he was "just as committed as ever" to the cause but wasn't in so much of a hurry to blow himself up. "Let those virgins wait. I would prefer women with more sexual experience, anyway. Like maybe some hookers."

Karim was released from the hospital two days ago and immediately booked a flight to Vegas. He was last seen at Caesar's Palace receiving a lap dance from two scantily-clad women while yelling repeatedly, "Now THIS is Paradise!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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