Written by queen mudder
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Monday, 1 July 2013

image for Vatican Bank on verge of collapse as big heads roll in night of long knives
This one's just been told the Pope has cut up all his credit cards

Rome - Top knobs running the Vatican Bank fell on their tarnished swords this morning amid aftershocks in the latest money laundering scandal to grip the Holy C.

Bank director Renzo Dolcelatte and his deputy Massimo Gorgonzola have fled the Bank's head orifice following this weekend's police intercept of a dodgy 20m euros ($26m/£17m) deposit in a North Face-Off holdall enroute from a secretive Swiss slush fund to Papal coffers in Rome.

Yeah, that's right. Busted on the airport tarmac just like in all the best movie heists.

Tonight an all night vigil by the Swiss Guards - the Pontiff's personal security detail - at the Church of St Mary Virgin-on-the-Ridiculous will be praying for a damn miracle as Interpol readies for a new raid to repatriate hundreds of millions of dollar deposits from the First Vatican Bank of Pyongyang Territories' Catacombs HQ.

Rumor has it that be the end of this week the Bank's reserves will hit rock bottom as a decades long scam begins eclipsing the 1982 shocker that bankrupted both Italy's Banco Ambrosiano and the Vatican Bank.

Expect more heads to roll in the daze ahead as the Pope orders all Vatican credit cards destroyed as Bishops, Archbishops and even Cardinals are placed on a weekly minimum wage of around 100 euros.

'Suicided' God's Banker Roberto Calvi was 69.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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