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Monday, 1 July 2013

Following on from G8 news that Syrian peace talks are imminent, speculation is beginning to mount as to how David Cameron has managed to break the seemingly impenetrable deadlock between Barack Obama and Russian president Vladimir Putin.

With a date yet to be agreed for the convening talks set to take place in Geneva, details have been typically vague, but having now successfully negotiated everyone around the table to the consensus that politically motivated genocide "is really not on", Cameron has formulated a novel fundraising concept for the estimated $1.5 billion humanitarian aid bill.

With the backing of Channel 5 and an as yet unnamed online poker franchise, this summer is set to see the very first televised Presidential Poker Series.

The move is not without precedent, and follows on from Nicolas Sarcozy's informal Hold'em Freezeout tournament held during the 2011 G8 convention in Deauville, France. The final piece of action from that day was Barack Obama's completion of a straight with his five-seven off-suit to break Silvio Berlusconi's three of a kind after five hours of uninterrupted head-to-head action.

This saw him leave the table with presidential naming rights over three North African former dictatorships and a 10% share of every other country's emission quotas. It was later suggested that Berlusconi was more than satisfied with the second prize, as it included a promised relaxation in the CIA's monitoring of his internet activity for a whole 6 months.

Whilst much of this tournament was played in good sport, there was an ugly incident on the third day after it became apparent that nobody in attendance had thought to ask the name of the "quiet American chap" they assumed to be the Canadian Prime Minister.

It became clear that the window of opportunity had been missed and that everyone would have to wait until he piped up with an anecdote that included him stating his full name and title. As this never occurred, he was granted the ironic 'action man' mantel due to the cautious fiscal control that saw him fold a straight flush to Angela Merkel's desperate bluff stating that it had "all got a bit rich" for him.

Details of the prize structure for this upcoming event are set to be released in the coming weeks. However, it is understood that a side-bet has opened up between the Americans and Russians over the extradition warrant for Edward Snowdon and the location for an arms drop in Damascus.

The field will consist of defending champion and American President Barack Obama, Host Leader and Prime Minister David Cameron, Russia's President Vladimir Putin, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Japan's Shinz? 'mad-dog' Abe, Italy's Enrico 'the difficult second album' Letta, France's Fran├žois 'any pair' Hollande and a Canadian guy (Stan or Steve or something).

Whilst Host Leader David Cameron has been unavailable for comment, he has been overheard in a lift to say: "I'm delighted with the results of these pre-negotiations. Nobody ever got anything done through consensus and I feel that the reckless introduction of chance will add a whole new dimension to our brand of elitist international diplomacy."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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