BRUSSELS, BELGIUM - Not content to spy on just his own citizenry, President Barack Obama also allegedly ordered the U. S. National Insecurity Agency to peep on millions of Europeans.
According to reports leaked by Edward Snowden, Obama is interested in the personal behavior, public and private, of members of the European Union.
"He studied us like bugs!" Germany's Justice Minister Sabine Leuteusser-Schnarrenberger raved.
"We are supposedly his allies," French President Francois Hollade, said. "With friends like him [Obama], who needs enemies?"
Prime Minister David Cameron, of the United Kingdom (aka Great Britain, soon to be aka as just England), was equally outraged at the alleged surveillance. "Who the hell does Obama think he is, James Bond?" No one laughed.
Other European Union members expressed similar sentiments, and the organization vowed that there would be "severe repercussions and sanctions" against the "Yankee imperialist dogs" if the allegations of unwarranted, secret spying prove to be true.
"They won't do anything," Obama predicted, "any more than the American people have done when they learned I've been spying on them."
Although Obama, in the interest of government transparency, claims that he does not examine any of the massive database of information he has accumulated through satellite surveillance, wiretapping, Internet monitoring, and other "undisclosed means," he seems to know a lot about individuals' personal hygiene, sexual proclivities, income levels, racial characteristics, gender status and "satisfaction," criminal records, mental and physical health histories, buying habits, voting records, and a host of other matters to which presidents in the past have not, as far as anyone knows, been privy.
The same is true, it is believed, concerning the members of the European Union. "Among other things, I know which prime ministers wear women's lingerie in the privacy of their homes, which ones have same-sex sex, which ones habitually drink to excess, which ones take drugs, and which ones admire or disdain me."
Obama even knows female leaders' bra sizes and which brands of feminine products they purchase. However, such potentially embarrassing personal information is safe with him, he assures allies. "I don't kiss and tell."
The president says his knowledge of such minutiae allows him to better serve the interests of national and international security. "It's no big deal," Obama said. "It's just an extension of the Patriot Act."
Hillary Clinton agreed: "What does it really matter among friends? We're all adults."
"It does matter," German Prime Minister Jaochim Gauck disagreed, vehemently. "Spying is something enemies do, not supposed friends."
He predicted that the secret surveillance will severely impact free trade between the U. S. and the E. U.
Cameron agreed with his Teutonic neighbor. "How can free trade be free, when the bloody Yanks know all our secrets before negotiations begin?" he asked.