Written by Jessica Fishman
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Topics: Israel, Rabbinate, Kosher

Saturday, 29 June 2013

image for Israeli Rabbis Solve Largest Problem Facing the Country
Ultra Orthodox Jewish men

Too often the media focuses on the security situation facing Israel, from Iran developing a nuclear bomb to Hamas suicide bombings, and forgets that Israelis are faced with much more severe problems. The bourekas problem had been one of the biggest ones facing all facets of Israeli society on a day-to-day basis, until the Israeli Rabbinate worked endlessly to create the Bourekas Reform.

An Israeli favorite, the bourekas is a pastry made of thin, flaky dough and filled with cheese, meat, or vegetables. The Bourekas Reform has been years in the making and desperately needed by Israeli society. The Bourekas industry, which experienced extreme financial losses over the past years due to consumer confusion, is expecting to see an increase in demand thanks to the ruling of the Rabbinate.

"I used to spend endless hours being hungry while trying to figure out which flavor bourekas I bought. I just couldn't smell through the pastry dough," stated Mushi Nissim, a bourekas eater. "One time, I was so busy trying to figure out the taste of one while I was guarding, that I let a terrorist walk right into café. It ended up being spinach, which I don't really like."

The Rabbinate's ruling forces bourekas manufacturers to design them in uniform and fixed shapes to prevent confusion between dairy, meat, and parve (neither meat nor milk) fillings.

Israel's Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu thanked the Rabbinate for dealing with this previously though unsolvable situation. "This was simply a problem too big for the government to fix. We had spent many years working on how to provide our citizens with an easy-to-use filling detection system. We even tried leveraging some of the technology that we use in our airport security to detect bombs, but it was simply too expensive to implement for individual consumers," stated Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. "Now that this problem is solved, thanks to the brilliant minds of the Israeli Rabbinate, the government can focus on more important issues, such as deciding on the proper thickness of women's tights or trying to get matkot recognized as an international sport." (Matkot is a popular Israeli paddle ball game.)

The Israeli Rabbinate said that the reason that this topic was moved to the top of its agenda was because the bakeries were getting too creative in recent years with their designs and that this needed to be stifled.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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