WASHINGTON, D. C. - With the stroke of a pen, President Barak Obama signed an executive order by which 1600 Pennsylvania is no longer part of the United States. "We've seceded," First Lady Michelle Obama confirmed rumors that the nation's capitol is no longer the nation's capitol.
The president, his family, his cabinet, and his advisers have "taken to the mattresses," Press Secretary and former comedian Jim Carey told reporters, using a term made famous by the Mafia gangs' use of mattresses to protect safe houses from the reprisal by gunfire of rival mobs. They'd sleep on the mattresses by night and use them to fortify windows and doors by day.
The Secretive Service has assigned agents to strategic defensive positions in and around the White House. "No one gets in, and no one gets out," the lead agent told me.
In addition, Marine Corps forces are on the march from their barracks at 8th and I Streets, SE, and are expected to arrive within the hour to bolster the president's guard.
"We also have helicopter gun ships on standby at Andrews Air Force Base," Vice-President Joe Bidet announced, as he made his way through the Rose Garden, flanked by heavily armed soldiers. "Trespassers will be shot on sight," he warned.
The president has given no explanation for the extreme measure of ordering the secession of the executive mansion from the Union, leaving Congressional leaders to figure out for themselves what concerns may have motivated the president's action.
"Maybe we've been a little too hard on the president lately," Sen. John McCain suggested. "He not only has an entitlement attitude, but he also has pretty thin skin."
"He's an imbecile," Speaker John Boehner, in tears, theorized. The Speaker vowed to call out the National Guard "or somebody" to take back the White House, which, he says, "belongs to me and the rest of the American people. Obama is just a tenant who's about to be evicted."
The United Kingdom's Prime Minister David William Daniel Cameron says he has been unable to reach the president but wants to extend the assistance of the United Kingdom in support of the president's decision. "The full resources of our nation are at the disposal of Barak Obama. We will help him to put down any armed insurrection, whether such rebellion is related to the secession of the White House or not. We are anxious to repay you Yanks for the affront to His Majesty King George's dignity back in 1781, and we look forward to colonizing your country again."
France's president Jean-Marc Ayrualt, to the contrary, vowed to aid and abet any and all enemies of "the uppity African-American, Barak Hussein Obama, pretender to the throne of the United States."
Meanwhile, in a televised address to the American people, the embattled president has vowed "not to cut and run." He added, "We can and will win-both here, at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and there, in the Middle East."
The New York Times has criticized the move, claiming, "You can't have it both ways, separate from the United States and be at war with the rest of the world."
Fox News Network quickly responded, with commentators opining that Obama has "concocted the secession as a distraction from the multitude of scandals that have scandalized his administration," citing the Infernal Revenue Service ongoing scandals; the Benghazi scandal; the scandal involving the National Insecurity Agency's spying on millions of American citizens; the administration's spying on the Associated Press, Fox News, and The Spoof; the scandal of Attorney General Eric Holder's perjury before Congress; and a host of other scandals."
"Americans are scandalized by all these Obama scandals," Bill O'Reilly said in his show's opening segment, "Talking Points." "That's the reason the president has put the White House off limits to American citizens. Shutting down the executive mansion has nothing to do with the sequester that resulted form Mr. Obama's reckless, free-spending ways and everything to do with his scandalous administration. No wonder he wants to secede from the Union."