PAPUA, NEW GUINEA - Scientists know it as "pacu," but the natives of New Guinea refer to the same marine species as the "fellatio fish." "It's a real ball-sucker," Jimmy Wade told this reporter. "Sometimes, the fish goes even further, becoming a real ball-biter." Several of his friends, "once powerful, virile men, are now eunuchs," Wade said, "because they-or their genitals-had the misfortune of attracting the attention of the fellatio fish."
New Guinea tribesmen have long known of the fish, and those whose wives are reluctant to indulge their fondness for oral sex sometimes swim in pacu-infested waters of their island nation's coast under the ruse of diving for pearls. In reality, Wade declared, "they're looking for fellatio fish; they want to bust a nut."
The pacu, which has teeth surprisingly similar to those of humans, weighs up to 55 pounds, and "pound for pound," it "gives head better than any other creature on the planet, especially the passionless wives of New Guinea tribesmen."
For decades, tribesmen have worn bright-colored gourds over their penises to create an elongation effect, in hopes of capturing their wives' attention, but to no avail. "Instead of passion, all the sight aroused was laughter," Wade said. "The women thought the penis gourds their husbands' stupidest and most comical invention, ever."
Many tribesmen swim in the pacy-infested water daily, hoping to attract a temporary mate. "They are willing to risk emasculation or death for the chance to enjoy a bit of sexual bliss," Wade said. "Their women should be ashamed of themselves."
"I am not ashamed," one wife said. "My husband enjoys fellatio fish, so I got him some for his aquarium. Anytime he wants to indulge himself, all he has to do is straddle the tank and dip his wick. He doesn't even have to go off the island. As long as he leaves me alone, I could care less what he does with his precious Peaches."
"That's what he's named her."