The Gorbals, Glasgow - Demoted in the ranks for gross misconduct the former Primate of Scotland has been ordered into exile from his Scottish stamping ground for processing and re-assimilation at a Vatican exorcism.
Ex-Cardinal Keith O'Brien will undergo ritual purging of demonic entities that have possessed him body and soul ever since the first illicit altar boy incident.
A full Spanish Inquisition-style interrogation and confession session will grill the disgraced cleric whose stellar career was cut dramatically short after getting grassed up by a defrocked priest.
The Pope himself will probably officiate at this weekend's banishing ceremony that starts with O'Brien being dunked in a holy water font.
Powerful emetics will then cleanse him internally before Sistine Chapel nuns shave all his body in preparation for the full-on Bell, Book and Candle rite.
The de-satanizing ceremony will be followed by six months' solitary in a coat cupboard-sized cell deep beneath Rome in the Catacombs.
Commenting on the upcoming ritual a source close to Pope Francis I's tarot card reader said: "The old bas***d sure had it coming, heheh."
Catch excerpts of the televised ceremonials on Channel 666.