London - Wednesday's state ceremony will feature a remote controlled latex mannequin whose batteries are powered by low-emission biofuel gas.
"Who cares if it looks like Abu Hamza in drag, eh?" Prince Philip chuckled as Palace puppeteers finalized last minute regal touches.
"Nobody'll suss the family resemblance as long as neither of you shaves off the beard."
The switch around will see a companion doll modeled on Prince Philip accompany HM down the House of Lords red carpet.
The marionettes will be escorted by a neo-Nazi doppelganger Lord famous for channeling the nation's Earl Marshall, chief MC at state-sponsored shindigs.
His pug-ugly wife's recent close shave with a NATO polygraph truth detector is still the butt of Upper House jokes after some Noble Lord put up the footage on the Royal YouBoob! website.
Tomorrow she'll remain in purdah at the couple's grace 'n' favor residence 'in case she frightens the horses again'.
Reacting to the news this morning online oddsmaker Aintgottaprayer.con cut Queen Elizabeth's life expectancy chances to slightly less than 0.01%.
A full-on all-bells-and-whistles state cremation at a landfill site is likely some time this month.