Written by K.C. Bell
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Topics: Congress, water

Monday, 18 September 2006

image for Tweaking The Geneva Convention
Say torture is good and you keep the tacky necklace.

In a bid to avoid jail time, the Bush people are asking Congress to approve a clarification to the forty year old Geneva Convention by suggesting it is acceptable to use: the rack, frying pan, grater, and water; while interrogating prisoners of war or terrorists or car bombers or suspicious looking people or none of the above. They point out that the rack, frying pan, grater and water are things that may be found in any kitchen from the Vatican (and isn't he in a jam) to a Yellowstone campsite. How exactly these items are used on people of suspicion remains vague.

Unlike the Cannes Film Festival, New York Fashion Week or Mac World Show, the Geneva Convention was a serious gathering of world leaders following World War II, deciding the rules of war and appropriate treatment of sick and wounded prisoners.

Why this group of geniuses were not a wee bit more ambitious and instead decide to set regulations to avoid war all together is obviously a male issue. Guys: Carts go behind the horse. Smelly, but that's how things move forward. Apparently they felt that war and pillage were okay, but a captured prisoner of war was sacrosanct.

Back when Guantanamo and Abugrab and the secret C. I. A. prison sites first originated, the rack, frying pan, grater and water were used indiscriminately. "Got questions? Use the rack, frying pan, grater or water."

But the Supreme Court said: Hold it there, pilgrim. Can't do unless Congress votes to change the rules of the Geneva Convention.

Now Bush needs a change so he can get away with the retroactive use of the rack, frying pan, grater and water, or he could be brought before a war crimes commission like Pinochet, Saddam Hussein and Milosevic. And you can't cut and run out of a war crimes trial by saying you have a dental appointment.

So the President is busy lobbying the Congress for his kitchen utensil protocol, and Republicans have said: No. Colin Powell (still burning over false information about WMD) said: The world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism.

In desperation, (the Congress could go Democratic in a matter of days) the Bush scribes may even have to send Laura Bush out to speak in favor of torture. Remember, she did speak out against stem cell research saying, "It isn't going to cure anyone in our lifetime."

Oh yeah? Get out the rack, frying pan, grater and some water.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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