Chaos reigned on Vatican City last night after The Pope used a televised interview in which he was supposed to be confronting the Catholic Church sex abuse scandal to passionately condemn pesto.
When asked how he intended to rebuild The Church and restore trust in the Catholic faith, Pope Francis declared that he planned to "make huge changes to the system, from the top right down to the bottom, and starting with pesto."
"I've only been in Rome for a month," he continued. "And already I'm sick to my stomach with all this pesto. It's everywhere! What's wrong with a pomodoro, or a vongole? They tell me there are people starving out on the streets. I'm not surprised; I don't want to eat this shit either."
When pressed for answers on the issue of paedophile priests he continuously attempted to turn the subject back to pasta sauce, and shock was clearly visible on the interviewers face when he responded to one such question with "Oh Jesus. Kiddy Fiddling in the clergy. Contraception. Aids in Africa. Teenage Abortion. All this is a tickle on the ribs compared to pesto."
A sauce revelation
Support for Pope Francis was found in one corner this morning, with Theresa Trappatoni of The Spaghetti Carbonara Society praising his fight against the basil and olive oil based sauce.
"It's about time a powerful global figure took a stand against pesto," she said. "For the last twenty years pesto producers have held a monopoly over the pasta sauce marketing industry. In every supermarket in Italy it's all about pesto. Pesto, Pesto, Pesto. It's about time some of the other pasta's got a bit of exposure. And I'm not just talking about carbonara. I'm talking about some of the younger, up and coming players on the circuit. Your timballo's, your ragu's, your reginetti alla norma's. The Pope should be applauded for this."
Back in his interview chair, The Pope continued to argue his case last night. "I spoke with The Lord himself earlier today," he claimed. "And The Lord concurs. 'Start with the pesto,' he told me. 'And good will follow.' Apparently he's a big lasagne man."
After spending four hours ranting on national television he resorted to concluding the interview with a death by association gambit.
"By the way," he said. "I was watching Game of Thrones the other night, and I swear to God, there's a scene halfway through the second series where King Geoffrey is tucking into a pesto tagliolini. Need I say any more?"