Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Death, suicide

Thursday, 14 September 2006

image for Top Russian banker shot dead: a case of assisted suicide?
Andrei Kozlov RIP, ex-Russian central banker

Moscow - (AssoCIAted Mess): The Central Bank of the Russian Federation's First Deputy Chairman Andrej Kozlov, has been gunned down in a Moscow sports park amid intense media speculation that his death may be yet another clear case of assisted suicide, currently so prevalent under the current dictatorship of Russian President Vladimir Sputum.

Kozlov, 41, had been in charge of the central bank's money laundering division. As such he frequently lectured abroad on the latest techniques of outwitting the CIA, MI6, Mossad and France's Canard Enchainee in successful evasion of law enforcement in those tricky international financial transactions between South American cocaine cartels, Taleban smack barons, bent bureaucrats in the European Union and the Bush Family Evil Empire's far flung outposts such as No 10 Downing Street, the Vatican and Kim Jong Very-Ill-Indeed's royal palace in Pyongyang.

But some Russian press commentators have suggested that instead of the assisted suicide theory, the Russian central bank may have instead fired its biggest liability in an image shake-up as the real big tough guys on the IMF block.

However, Moscow prosecutors have struck an enigmatic note on the sudden death of Kozlov by announcing that while the motive for the shooting remains unclear, they are not ruling out murder as the number one reason for his demise.

Kozlov's death comes hot on the heels of fellow Russian banker Dmitry Nicholaevich Smoliyaninov who was reported in late July this year as having
'plummeted from his office balcony after telling his secretary he was worried that the London hosepipe ban had dried out his hanging basket of petunias'.

Smoliyaninov's demise has been investigated by the City of London's Dodgy Dead Banker department which is understood to be sending their top man to Moscow this weekend to assist in any way possible the Russian investigation of the latest 'sudden and unexpected' death in the banking community.

Russian police have said that under Kozlov's supervision the Russian central bank had issued myriad licences to both domestic and foreign banks suspected of involvement in money laundering and that the dead banker had been working hard to revamp the dismal Russian reputation of the 1990s as the home of wholesome and healthy capitalism.

However, this latest death in the banking community may remind foreign investors that Russia still has a long way to go before it reaches the standards which prevail in many other parts of the world.

And the benchmark for these was set in June 1982 under Blackfriars Bridge in the City of London where a 'depressed' God's Banker, Roberto Calvi, suicided himself following the £400 million collapse of the Vatican Bank after the P2 Lodge successfully robbed their own deposit accounts and blamed bent spooks in the pay of Margaret Thatcher's administration for the goddawful cock up that resulted on the foreign exchanges later that year.

Kozlov's inquest is expected later next week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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