Written by Neil Levine
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Topics: Iran

Wednesday, 13 September 2006

image for President of Iran Says He Is The Man
I Promise You "I Am The Man"

Elyssian Fields, Iran---The President of Iran has declared He Is The Man.

"I don't care what butch Bush wants or thinks. I am Da Man. I don't care that he lives in a White House. I don't care that he is richer than me. I don't care that he owns computers and limousines and flies for free in Air Force One. I don't care. I am The Man."

"I, too, ride around in white limos and have a White Presidential Palace and am going to have the whitest nuclear power you ever saw. No more donkeys for me. Don't forget, I am The Man."

The Iranian President approaches a televison camera crew to make a speech. "I am The Man. Let me explain what I have in mind. Iran has oil, more oil than it knows what to do with. We will find uses for oil that go beyond the ordinary, everyday needs of people. We have alchemists who can transform oil into manna for the masses. We can change oil from a base material to a higher order of goods which will change the equation and transform petrochemicals into golden parachutes for the masses. Surely, Shirley, that will help us overcome any shortcomings we may possess and we will perform miracles. Let there be no doubt that we canl put wings on our mules, feed them yellow cake and watch them soar to the celestial limits. We shall overcome all. Remember I am The Man."

The Iranian President visits the UN to make another speech. "I want to talk to you about Power to the People. It is a simple idea. I am surprised no one ever thought that much about it before. But it is a tried and true principle of politics that close makes the man and keep your enemies even closer. After all, I am The Man."

The Iranian President holds up a picture of a nuclear explosion. "We will do the same with uranium. We shall keep it close to the people as possible. That way we can make progress and develop the Fountain of Youth. Even our donkeys will relish the experience. Don't forget. I am The Man."

He beats his chest and lets out a Tarzan scream. "I am Da Man."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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