The new Argentinean Pope 'Jorge Bergolio Maradonna' has declared war on the Falkland Islanders by ex-communicating all 20,000 of the islanders at the stroke of a pen. In his inaugural speech from the balcony of the Vatican overlooking St Peters Square, the new Pope spoke to the 1 Billion Catholics below who had been waiting for days and said, 'Pray for me as I might be murdered in the night by being stabbed or poisoned or put into an old people home like Nazi Pop Daddy Ratzeninger, so tonight I will listen to Madonna, Like A Virgin'
The 1 Billion strong crowds below were stunned when the Pope blurted out 'The Falklanders will be getting some "Argie Bargie" as I will be sending over my Swiss Guard to make cheese out of them'. Already he has upset 500 million Catholics by taking the title 'Frankie the Hatchet Frazer' as they were hoping that he would take the title 'Maradonna'.
Whilst tending to his flock of sheep in Argentina, the new Pope would drive a number 156 bus form Catalahara to Buenos Aries on weekdays and would don his vestments on a Sunday. Prime Minister David Cameron on hearing of the Argentinean's election called a crisis meeting with the Foreign Secretary William Vague and Deputy PM Nick Dregg. Foreign Secretary Vague said today, 'We are looking into defensive measures just in case the new Pope decides to give us some Argie Bargie' asked what precautions he would be taking The Foreign Secretary gave his usual vacant stare, licked his finger and stuck it in the air and replied 'like that'.
The Falklanders whose history goes right back to 1796 when two Geordies looking for America found the islands and declared them British, have been told to build bunkers just as a precaution as the threat level was heightened from 'imminent' to 'the bombs are on their way'.
Spoof Special Correspondent Phani Tikkla spoke to one of the Falkland Islanders today, who cannot be named for legal reasons spoke out and said: ' fook ye man, way I man, didn't ye have a shite and laugh'.