The Vatican -- New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is moving to complete a deal that would make him the second Jewish Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church.
"St. Peter was Jewish and he turned out to be the indestructible rock God chose to head his church," Bloomberg said. "Well, I've been known to be somewhat of a rock head myself."
But the New York Mayor has no intention of dressing up in robes and attending the conclave of cardinals that is the traditional pope provider . "Red makes me look shorter," he said. "Besides, why sweat out an election and all that voting nonsense when you can just buy your way in."
Bloomberg has reportedly offered to pay off billions of dollars in lawsuit settlements for which the Catholic Church is liable. It seems that being a Cardinal, a bishop, or priest gives one a penchant for diddling altar boys.
"This reminds me of Times Square in the 70s. If you have the dollars, you can clean it up. And believe me I have the dollars. All I ask for in return is the papacy," Bloomberg said.
Bloomberg is no stranger to converting cash into political clout. New York City conducted not one, but two referendums in which voters specifically passed term limits aimed at keeping Bloomberg off the ballot.
But a dollar here and a million more there, and before you know it the City Council is overruling the results of both referendums.
"The nice thing about money is that it lets you buy anything you want, as long as you have enough of it," Bloomberg said. "Now I can hardly wait to get my hands on that Pope Mobile to see what that baby can do."
The moneyed interests that backed Bloomberg's New York City politicking are also smoothing his travels down the holy highway. In return, they intend to make full use of Bloomberg's papal pulpit to promote their products and services worldwide.
"It's back to fish on Fridays, people," Bloomberg decreed in the press conference announcing his move on the Vatican. "So if I were you I'd put my money in Red Lobster stock, and stock my freezer with tilapia. Just look out for the bones."
More significantly, a Bloomberg papacy could solve a more far-reaching problem. Namely, the US military is running out of wars to lose.
"As pope, I can start a holy war just about any time I want," Bloomberg said. "You can't justify a ridiculously inflated military budget unless you're fighting a ridiculously conceived war somewhere. Again, just look out for the bones."