Pyongyang - (AssoCIAted Messershmitts): In an unprecedented outburst blaming excessive Vatican drunkenness for piss-poor arms intelligence smuggling, North Korea's leader Kim Jong Very-Ill-Indeed has lambasted the JP2 Lodge's successor Joseph Ratzinger for supplying him with a load of useless crap instead of the latest US ballistic technology, resulting in the highly publicised flop of his recent Taepoodog rockets.
Citing continuous binge drinking sessions of tequila slammers at the Sistine Chapel's Last Chance Saloon & Bar, Kim Jong Very-Ill-Indeed said that his crack team of highly paid spies on Hezbollah-laundered payrolls had uncovered a culture of deception, incompetence and downtright thuggery among their co-alition allies in the Vatican's strategic arms dealing unit.
Despite orders to act as go-betweens in mutual co-operation to steal top western military secrets related to the Son of Star Whores programme, Pontifical espionage masters wasted untold hours arguing about the merits of genetically modified grain harvests that the Mexicans started using in their state of the art tequilla distilleries supplying most of Italy...... instead of double-checking the reliability of stolen military spyware they bought from Robert Maxwell's sons Kevin and Ian who clamied to have successfully infiltrated the Pentagon's fabled Echelon computer system.
Very-Ill-Indeed's latest venom has been targeted most acutely at Pontifical ProNuncios in Washington DC, London and St Petersburg, whose chemical toxicity he vilified as being "in excess even of the 1980s' heyday of the George W Bush register of inebriation".
Those remarks were immediately picked up by the British Ministry of Defence which dispatched an emergency hit-squad from its National Poisons Unit at Aldermaston to fly to Mexico in a bid to test recent grain harvests for DNA contamination by contra-forces in the pay of the Reverend Sun Myng Moon's Unification Bowel Movement.
This sinister group has been in the news recently after being identified by Mossad as chief suspects behind a series of mass illicit chemical adulterations that implanted mind-altering brain secretions into winter rye and barley crops in the Latin American crop circle belt.
These may have then found their way into Mexican grain distilleries which supplied the Vatican's own-brand Tequila imports marketed under the 'Mother of All Holy Spirits' label - an all time favorite at Rome's Via Dolorosa lap-dancing clubs frequented by Very-Ill-Indeed's crack team of Pontifical arms dealing intermediaries.
Officially, the Vatican has no connection whatsoever with illicit arms dealing, adulterated liquor distribution or the running of complex espionage networks designed to rev up the nuclear arms race in Asia or anywhere elese.
However, recently uncovered classified UK State Documents have shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that Pope Ratzinger fathered not only the 'Osama Bin Laden' character labelled as head of the Al-Qaeda terrorist organization, but also another son, by Margaret Thatcher: a 1950s rent-boy who ran errands for the Bush Dynasty, Carlos the Jackal, Michail Gorbachev's politburo henchmen and Japanese music industry interests related to the their country's Peacock Throne political disinformation directorate.
Although the Ratzinger/Thatcher hybrid was eventually the target of a successful mid-1990s military operation to rid London of an infestation of KGB/Mossad double-agents, his true partner behind the scenes is believed to have got away scot free of any criminal charges. And wormed his way instead into the top ranks of British political life along with his sparkling successful barrister wife and squeaky-clean apparatchick entourage......
As UK Prime Monster Tony Blair and family embark on what could be their last annual sojourn at Balmoral Castle this weekend for the traditional late-summer weekend visit to the House of Mountbatten's Queen, many questions still remain.
And not least among these has to be: did any of that adulterated Mexican liquor find its way into the Iraq war-planning committee at No 10 Downing Street and did the Halliburton Corporation (Prop. D Cheney Esq) profit personally by any such exports.
General Augusto Pinochet is still under house arest in Santiago, Chile.