According to our exclusive Vatican sources, the Pope had no problem at all leaving the Vatican and the Papacy. The real issue? Having to leave behind his red shoes.
You see, those glorious red shoes had provided the Pontiff with special powers that got him out of the Vatican when he needed a quick break. According to a Vatican insider, they worked a little bit like the shoes that Dorothy wore in The Wizard of Oz. Only they were even more powerful. Click the heels together and they'd take you anywhere you wanted to go.
In disguise, The Pope had been able to transport himself all over the world and blend in with the common folks. Sources say his favorite incognito travel destination was NYC, where he cheered on the Knicks, enjoyed pizza and desserts in Little Italy, went to Broadway plays, and mingled with tourists in Times Square. Occasionally he also traveled to the Philippines to meet Imelda Marcos and chat about -- you guessed it -- shoes, glorious shoes.
Now, to his disgust, those days are over for the former Pontiff. "I don't like to complain," he's told friends, "but now I'm stuck in some old brown loafers from Mexico. And they're taking me nowhere. I've tried clicking my heels -- to no avail. What am I achieving? Just scuffed heels."
He hasn't given up. He intends to say a novena with a special intention that his new shoes acquire magical powers like the old ones. If that doesn't work, he plans on buying a Mexican hat to wear over his white beanie. "A Mexican Hat Dance may just do the trick and ignite the powers," the hopeful former Pontiff has said.
According to reliable sources, the Pope Emeritus wishes his successor the best. With one caveat. He sincerely hopes that the new Pontiff will not try to wear those magical red shoes. If he does, the former Pope has said, "I hope they take him nowhere -- and, in addition, give him corns, blisters and bunions."