Following allegations of catastrophic surgical procedures, detectives at Scotland Yard are anxious to locate Dublin neurosurgeon Willie Bodgem.
Managers at Beaumont Hospital have distanced themselves from the consultant, telling police that "Mr Bodgem is no longer employed at this hospital and we have no information on his whereabouts."
Willie Bodgem, Senior Consultant at the Dublin hospital for a number of years, attracted much press attention recently with the success of Louis Walsh's brain implant. The subsequent rejection of the hamster brain some months later was attributed to Mr Walsh's impoverished central nervous system rather than to any malpractice on Bodgem's part.
Details are sketchy at this point, but police tell us that the investigation is moving on by the hour. A Yorkshire woman, wishing to remain anonymous, told us that traumatic buttock-enhancing surgery some years ago has left her permanently scarred in more ways than one. Clearly distressed, she named the consultant as Fergus O'Rectum, adding that she was "almost certain that Bodgem and O'Rectum are the same person."
Police tell us they have been inundated with calls from residents of Ballyhooly in County Cork. It would seem that their statements have given credence to the rumour that neurosurgeon Willie Bodgem is none other than Ballyhooly pig breeder Brendan Cockup.
In the village hall yesterday, locals turned up to speak to the press. Shop-keeper Jimmy O'Billious said: "I couldn't believe it when I saw him on T.V. with Louis Walsh. Brendan's been a postman, a mechanic, and a bloody good locum G.P. here in Ballyhooly. But impersonating a feckin' brain surgeon? He's gone too far."
A neighbour said the Cockup family was legendary in County Cork. Brother Hugh lived for years as a social recluse on a large rock off the Dingle peninsula and Uncle Liam claimed to be a Serbian refugee. "Brendan was always the stable one in the family," she said without irony.
A solicitor friend (name withheld) of Brendan's summed up the mood in the village: "Cockup's been rumbled. Everyone's twitchy. If the Law Society gets wind of me, I'm fecked."
Currently Scotland Yard are following up a credible lead. Three detectives are due to arrive at La Paz in Bolivia early tomorrow (GMT). From there they will travel on by donkey to a floating village on Lake Titicaca, where Cockup has allegedly been practising as a midwife and podiatrist.