Former Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has been elected Pope in a widely expected effort by The Vatican to increase the Church's popularity. Members of the Papal Conclave, charged with electing a new Pope, studied Blair's 1997 Election campaign material and repeatedly listened to the pop song "Things Can Only Get Better." Mr Blair was swiftly and unanimously elected, leaving the Cardinals little else to do in the allotted 'discernment period' but quietly read John Grisham novels.
Reports that a deal was struck on the Papacy at a London restaurant have been called 'pure speculation' by the Tony For Pope campaign team. Initials reports had stated Tony Blair was witnessed praying over a beef lasagne, but it has been revealed that this conversation with God was in relation to current traces of beef in Grand National winners.
"Today is not a day for sound bites, but I feel the hands of His story on my shoulders", Blair proclaimed at a press conference held in the former home of singer/songwriter, George Michael. The former PM continued:
"Satan does have Weapons to say Mass Destructively. The threat is real, it is imminent, and it is our task to pre-empt him. I am aware that sending 100,000 Western soldiers into a Muslim country and creating a new Yugoslavia on top of an expansive oil field did not go entirely according to plan. However, unless Satan is removed from his position, his potential to tempt people into drunken one-night-stands within 45 minutes will be realised. I will be the People's Pope."
Former Formula 1 racing driver Damon Hill commented:
"For the tenth time, I have to state to you, that I am a former racing driver. Repeatedly you have asked me for my reaction on Tony Blair's election to the Papacy. I am completely unqualified to comment here."
Recent changes to religious equality legislation will allow Mr Blair to sit in the House of Lords. Given the historical dispute over the issue of Apostolic Succession, it is unclear whether he or The Queen will deliver the Sovereign speech at the opening of Parliament. Constitutional lawyers are to be given the task of seeking a compromise, once they have finished their current pre-occupation in seeking interesting personalities - Andy Murray is encouraged by the idea that gaining a personality is a possibility in the field of medicine.