Following his shock resignation, Pope Benedict XVI has issued a statement of grave regret and apology. Pope Benedict, or plain old Ratty, Joey or Claire (or, indeed, Eggs) as he is known to his friends, broke down when asked at a press conference for the reasons for his resignation.
"Look, I'm an old man. I can't cope anymore," he wailed, wiping his nose on his cassock. "I cannot do what is expected of me anymore. I have come in for a lot of criticism of late, but I am not infallible,Aber ich werde Ihnen Pianodraht binden und rippen Sie Ihre Fingernägel, wenn Sie jemand sagen!!!!! I'm so sorry, second childhood"**
Ratty went on to rail against world poverty and indicated that at least if he smuggled out a tiny bit of jewellery he should be OK. "I think I've earned a retirement fund to be honest, for suppressing things for so long." It is not clear whether that was a reference to celibacy, or his arse covering routine for his old paedo friends.
Ratty did touch on the Holocaust, saying "Yes, I'm told about the complicity of the Vatican, but Oy vey!"
He refused to be drawn on his preferred successor, but did strongly hint that one of the leading fancies was utterly unsuitable for the job. "Look, many years ago, he had sex with a woman," he said in horror. "This is bad enough, but when offered her 8 year old daughter he flatly refused, saying she was "too ugly." In all honesty, when you get to that stage, it's time to give it all up."
***Aber ich werde Ihnen Pianodraht binden und rippen Sie Ihre Fingernägel, wenn Sie jemand sagen!!!! For those who speak real German rather than google translate, this was meant to say "But if you tell anyone I will tie you with piano wire and rip out your finger nails.