The Vatican was shaken to its very foundations yesterday as Pope Benedict handed in his notice as Gods personal Rottweiler. 'Pope Daddy' as the top clergy all over the world call him, completely lost the plot as he finally broke under the strain of seven years of strangers kissing his ring.
Traditionally, everybody except God, had to bend over and kiss the Popes ring in a gesture of love and subordination, but it was the last straw when a stranger from Turkey decided to lick his ring instead of kissing and along the way destroyed millennia of tradition, on which the church was built.
The stranger was immediately ejected from the Vatican and placed under arrest for 'attempted rimming' and is being held in a top security brothel, usually used by the top clergy and Vatican workers. He was heard screaming at the Vatican Swiss Guard, who for hundreds of years, have acted as the pontiff's personal security, as traditionally the Swiss never fought in any wars throughout history, always either being 'neutral' invaded, fighting for both sides or being the rest of Europe's Bitch.
After years of investigations of the church and the sex abuses scandal, Pope Benedict found that his task of policing the church and preventing further abuses was impossible, especially when one of the church's edicts was for visitors and clergy to 'kiss his ring' every time they saw him. Pope Daddy said yesterday in a press release I Latin; I cannot take having people kiss my ring anymore, it is so sore I find it difficult to sit down and I am 85 for God's sake. Please don't kill me or put me in an old people home'.
A Vatican spokesperson, who cannot be named for legal reasons said today, 'It is a great shame that the Pope Daddy has handed in his notice, he will be sadly missed especially by me as I love to kiss his ring and would do so on a regular basis. It is the end of an era; I just hope the next Pope isn't Black, or even worse, a woman.'
Reported By Spoof Special Correspondent, Mr. Phani Tikkla, Vatican City, Rome.