Written by ANGELA WRIGHT
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Thursday, 7 February 2013

image for HRH, Dame Judi and 007: the story just gets better
HRH in crisis but the show goes on

A statement issued today by a Palace spokesman has added nothing but confusion to the story of the Queen vs. Dame Judi, or 'Lizziegate' as it is now known.

The spokesman denied emphatically that the Queen had anything to do with the reported incident. HRH was, allegedly, hosting a table top sale in Ballater Community Hall on Royal Deeside on that particular day. Lawyers for the Royal family are considering their options.

Prince Charles, whose statement to the world's press yesterday clearly acknowledged that his mother had lost the plot, has been left in a deeply embarrassing position. According to Buck House low-life informers, the heir to the throne has been chanting Buddhist mantras in his beloved shed at Highgrove for the past twenty-four hours. Princess Anne, enigmatically, is organising a fund-raising Royal Paintballing Day in Kew Gardens.

Daniel Craig has come forward today with potentially explosive information. He described HRH as 'a piece of work' during last year's filming of the skydive for the Olympics Opening Ceremony. She insisted on being 'briefed' about security arrangements for the jump (believing that she was actually going to do it) and repeatedly bleated to Craig: "Don't call me Ma'am, call me M." Craig shared with Palace officials his reservations about the Queen's grasp of reality, but was told that HRH was 'off her head' most of the time.

As the Royals go into meltdown, Dame Judi Dench is in consultation with her legal team. Her agent has said that Judi "totally rejects" the absurd notion that her attacker was actually a Lookie Likie. Close friends report that the actress is still "incandescent with rage." Dench was overheard saying to a trusted aide that she fully intends to "have a return match with the daft bat and this time she's going down."

Cameraman Ronan O'Delerious, meanwhile, who saw the sensational stooshie at close range, is due to appear on Graham Norton, Mock the Week and Have I Got News For You over the next few weeks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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