Prague, Czech Republic - (Associated Mess): A global convention of astronomers has called for the official demotion of the planet Pluto after denouncing it as a dirty chunk of meaningless space crap that's too distant for firing-range practise in President George W Bush's revived Son of Star Wars initiative.
But the move has been quickly condemned by the Universal Association of Astrologers, Star-Gazers, Soothsayers and Related Interpreters of Celestial Omens at its annual convention in Phoenix Ashes, Arizona who say the planets will wreak revenge on this insidious Hellfire Club-inspired move to promote lesser sized lumps of ice into the planetary pantheon.
Speaking on the eve of the August 17th 2006 planetary spectacular when the Sun in the constellation of Leo will form a trine with the planet Pluto in the sign of Sagittarius, a Soothsayers' spokesman said that the proposed Pluto downgrade move was a sinister example of the dark arts practised by satanic adherents of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion conspiracy theory and their Republican counterparts on DC's Capitol Hill.
Citing ancient prophetic tracts that foretold such a callous attempt to ring-fence the planets' influences upon the Forces of Good, the Soothsayers' representative warned that any public shaming of the outermost of the Sun's revolving satellites would inevitably unleash a backlash of astronomical proportions, resulting in the downfall of the Great Satan and his Poodle cohorts at No 10 Downing Street, London SW1A 1AA.
As the annual shower of the Perseid meteors continued its spectacular celestial extravaganza across the western skies, the Soothsayers' grim warning sent a shiver up the spinless collective of George W Bush supporters who have invested billions of $$$$$$$$$ into persuading him to adopt the second part of Ronnie Raygun's madcap Star Wars scheme which excised from public knowledge any mention of the hoary old Gipper's disgusting KGB career, sex abuse convictions, his wife's certifiable insanity and their contract killing of former Hollywood starlet Marilyn Monroe.
Meanwhile in London the skies looked grim as stargazers prepared to herald the dawn arrival of the Sun/Pluto portent by grassing up all the UK-domiciled bent foreign diplomats, spooks and Opus Dei members who had banded together to install Charles Windsor as their frontman in the race for the throne of Great Britain.
And in Santiago, Chile General Augusto Pinochet survived yet another nerve-wracking day as senior officers of his country's security and intelligence services continued to quiz him about his undoubted paternity of the George W Bush doppelganger lookalike who slimed his way into the White House in November 2000 following seminal advice from Nancy Reagan's personal astrologer that the stars ensured that no one would ever know the difference between him and the idiot Bush scion who was murdered by 'God's Banker' Roberto Calvi in the French Pyrenees after the November '63 assasination of President John F Kennedy.
Ariel Sharon is reported to be on his deathbed.