Written by neilhiatt
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Saturday, 26 January 2013

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BERLIN, DE - An excavation in Berlin, Germany, unveiled a secret room inside Hitler's Bunker, decorated with scores of motivational posters.

"The posters range in size and quantity," said Dr. Robert Herzog from the University of Berlin, "from the poster of an eagle soaring over a mountain range with the words 'Dream big' at the bottom, to the kitten dangling from a tree branch beneath the phrase 'Hang in there, baby.'"

Speculation abounds as to what purpose the room held for the former dictator. "We believe that Hitler used this room as a way to overcome the hardships of being a mass-murdering psychopath," said Yale historian Albert Goodwin, of the room covered in posters of encouraging mantras and ham-fisted stock photography. "It was his escape-his fortress of solitude."

Doctoral candidate Leslie Metz stitched together a portrait of the fall of the Third Reich. "It's easy to picture the Furor here, crestfallen, during the final days of the war," said Metz, "with him looking up and seeing the word 'Perseverance,' under a photo of a vast ocean, and mustering up the courage to blow the back of his skull out for his terrible crimes."

A number of crude drawings found in a box marked "Mein sketches" revealed that Adolf had even tried to design his own posters. One depicted a baby seal with the word "Aryan" scrawled on the bottom and then crossed out, as if to suggest that a different phrase would lend itself better to the inspiring photo.

The dig culminated with the discovery of Hitler's wastebasket, containing several discarded posters. "It appears [Hitler] had no interest in posters with themes that imply accountability, diversity, or tolerance," remarked world-renowned anthropologist Dr. Amanda Kelley. "With the benefit of hindsight it's shocking to see how insecure the tyrant was in his own leadership...Well, no, actually that explains a lot."

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