Written by John Lawrence
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Australia, Shark

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

In a dramatic turn of events, it was revealed by the Queensland fisheries minister yesterday, that the state government is to use dying children and the aged attached to drumlines in order to lure and trap man-eating Great White sharks.

The minister has been quoted as saying: 'It's come to the attention of the state government that these giant killer monsters have acquired such a taste for human blood that using fish on drumlines has become ineffective. These monsters have become so adept at stalking and killing humans that the only option left is to use human bait to lure and capture them before euthanizing them.

This method serves two purposes:

1. Dying children are very sad, but also very expensive, in light of the recent flooding experienced by this great state, it has become apparent that we need to reduce costs dramatically; none more so than in the welfare of terminally ill patients and care of the elderly. This aims to reduce those costs, freeing up much needed capital for infrastructure repair.

2. The data available on shark attacks shows that on average there has been one fatal shark attack per year over the last 50 years. This is unacceptable, the hype generated far outweighs these facts and we therefore have to change the facts. Using this method, every time we trap a shark, a human will have been attacked, this will allow us to carry on hunting these behemoths until they are extinct in our waters.'

Queensland families with terminally ill children or elderly are being asked to step forward to volunteer for the program.

Queensland minister: 'Obviously this is a heart-wrenching moment for many families, we're offering $5000 for every family member volunteered for this program, we will be taking the smaller and weaker first as smaller meals are more attractive to these heartless murderers, and the faster they go through the bait, the more we can catch and kill.

'I'm confident that this will be a shining example to the rest of Australia of what can happen when state communities pull together for the greater good.'

The pioneering scheme is due to start 1st of February, it is hoped that the program will drastically reduce hospital costs in the state before the end of the fiscal year in June. And prevent/promote shark attacks, depending on how you look at it.

Make John Lawrence's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 2 multiplied by 2?

1 20 16 4

Go to top