Sandringham, Norfolk - Some Tricky Dicky-shaped hexoplasm has blown the knickers off Queen Elizabeth during an eve-of-centenary seance at Sandringham's Aleister Crowley Memorial Wing.
The Nixon apparition materialized following a ouija board message insisting that royal gold digger Kate Middleton 'is channeling a phantom pregnancy'.
And that UK Prime Monster David Cameron is the father of her firstborn brat, the 'Canadian' warbler Justin Bieber.
Courtiers were left flabbergasted as Nixon, born 9 January 1913, told assembled necromancers that Queen Elizabeth deserves the blame for the fiasco because she trusted Tony Blair with orchestrating a daft cover-up.
"Nothing good has ever come out of the sordid House of Windsor's loins," the dead president's ghost claimed in the planchette message, "apart from John Kerry, our lovely son and soon the next US Secretary of State."
Decades of rumors had always insisted Elizabeth has shagged Tricky Dicky and spawned their only son, the [current] husband of tomato ketchup heiress Theresa Heinz Kerry.
The seance also saw Nixon medium Mrs Doris Pokes produce a 'trillion dollar artefuct' - though to be a US Treasury platinum coin - from her fruitful orifice by way of missed alimony payments to Queenie.
"Shame she'll be dead by the morning before she can spend it, love," Pokes explained.
The Duke of Pratts Bottom is 69.