Written by Tom Felicity Evans
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Sunday, 6 January 2013

image for Police Raid Nightclub in Rivendell
Operation Gondor officers

In the early hours of Sunday morning police raided a nightclub, 'Bilbo's', in the elvish city of Rivendell arresting 12 elves, 7 dwarves, 2 men and a wizard.

The raid was part of Operation Gondor, a crackdown on crimes related to licensing laws carried out by Greater Realm of Men Constabulary in conjunction with Rohan Mounted Police.

The raid has already been widely criticised for its heavy handed approach. In total 370 Operation Gondor officers armed with swords and bows, 60 Oliphaunts, 160 horses and 3 eagles fitted with heat sensitive cameras were despatched to the nightclub in Rivendell at an estimated cost to Middle Earth taxpayers of over 270 bags of gold.

Most of the arrests were for drug offences. 9 elves and the 2 men were found in possession of longbottom leaf and the hallucinogenic 'shortcut to mushrooms'. The wizard was charged with intent to supply class A narcotics including the ecstasy potion. 7 dwarves were arrested for drunk and disorderly.

The nightclub's owner, Bilbo Baggins, told us the raid was unnecessary as he is fully licences. "I'm outraged" Mr Baggins told us, "I flew DJ Gandalf in from Minas Tirith and he was in the middle of a slamming set when suddenly the fuzz do a raid and bust all my customers. Who do they think they are? Sauron?"

We spoke with an underage hobbit outside the club who appeared very wide-eyed and told us he was "absolutely off my took". Few other club goers wanted to talk to us, with the exception of a man who asked us and every other reporter; "does they have any crack, precious?"

The police video of the raid has already made it onto YouTube edited to include the Harry Potter music to mock the raid.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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